Alternative Facts

Radio Programmers The World Over In Grip Of “Crippling Ed Sheeran Dependency”

The Radio world is spiralling ever-deeper into a horrific dependency on the work of inoffensive English singer-songwriter Ed Sheeran, it has been reported today.

Programmers at radio stations across the globe appear to be unable to stop playing the “Thinking Out Loud” hitmaker’s three new songs, with airplay for the tracks reaching epidemic proportions.  The songs in question, “Shape Of You”, “Castle On The Hill” and “How Would You Feel (Paean)”, have been emitted through radio waves in record numbers.  A well-placed source tells us that the dependency is so critical that one particular radio station, Soft FM in Boise, Idaho, is now airing the three songs simultaneously, on loop.

It appears that regardless of genre, no radio station is safe.  Thunderbolt FM in Colchester, England, identifies as a Classic Rock station, yet Sheeran’s “Castle On The Hill” has been on rotation twice per hour, with the station’s Head Of Music confiding “It sounds a bit like Springsteen, so we can get away with it”.  Aria FM in Munich, a Classical Music station more used to featuring the works of Beethoven, Rachmaninov and Mahler, have added Sheeran’s “How Would You Feel (Paean)” to their playlist, albeit in instrumental form.  A station source, preferring not to be named, told us “There’s a violin or something in it around the two-and-a-half-minute mark, so it fits right in with our demographic.  If a song has no vocals and has strings in it, it’s fair game for us”.

Castle On The Hill – “A Bit Springsteen”

Despite this rampant epidemic of Sheeran’s middle-of-the-road perfect-for-dinner-parties ditties, there are one or two holdouts.  Puke 107 FM in Madrid, a Punk Rock station, have so far been immune to the newly-scarred songsmith’s charms.  “We haven’t added Ed Sheeran, no” they tell us, “but the CEO is a fan, and the word is that he’s looking to see if one of the local punk bands will cover “Shape Of You” as a way in.  Yes, we are worried”.

It’s feared that this crippling dependency will get worse before it gets better.  The purveyor of pleasant background pop is due to release a new album, Divide, this Friday, which will unleash a further thirteen helpings of aural slop upon the suffering Radio community.  What fresh hell will develop as a result is yet to be determined, but ironically, given the album’s title, it seems the airing of Sheeran’s music will only multiply.